Her sparkle is gone. Her zest, her love for life, vanished. Stolen by the bearded monster Who only wants to see her suffer He only wants to see her destroyed.

I don't know if you still read this. I should have listened to you.

What a difference a year makes

I'm inspired for some reason, to reflect on some of the things that are different from just a year ago.

It was only a year ago that I was feeling very much like I had let K and J down. I still feel like I let J down - I should have done so much more for him than I did, but at the time I was doing what I thought was best for him. I was so very wrong. I was worried that K was getting ready to move in with her dad. I was very wrong about that, too. The thing that surprises me the most about K from a year ago is that she has recognized that she needs help, and has not only asked me to help her get it outside of school, but she has started to utilize some of the resources that she has available to her at school. Her grades have started to improve, and I think that she is also starting to see that she will survive, even if she and the boyfriend don't.

It was only a year ago that I started to see some friendships decline. One in particular was surprising to lose, but I am beginning to understand how fragile that friendship was in the first place. She was (is) very spoiled, and throws a tantrum if things don't go her way. This is what happened to our relationship. I was not able to put my life on hold for her wedding, and she didn't like it. I was kicked out of her wedding party, and our relationship deteriorated quickly and severely from there. Now, she can't stand me enough to even be my Facebook friend, and I can't say that I'm unhappy about it. She has been a pretty toxic person to have in my life ever since we were very young. What surprises me the most about the loss of this friendship is that I am not particularly sad to see it end. I am particularly sad that I will never truly be away from the person because of the family relationship.

It was only a year ago that I finished my long-term sub position at an elementary school in the area. I was sad to leave the kids, and I still think about them sometimes, but I know I left them in very capable hands, even though I didn't think so at the time. I was terrified and didn't know what I was going to do next. What surprises me the most a year later is that I figured out what to do next, and I am really, really making it happen.

I wonder what will surprise me in another year.

Wherever You Are, Home Is Where the Heart Is

"Home" means many things to many different people. For some, home is a place where basic needs are addressed, and to others, home is a place from where they draw their strength and tranquility. For me, home is a place that is wholly linked to my family. Home is that place where Dad hung the tire swing. It's the site of countless picnics, and parties. I remember Dad never came inside until the animals were fed. Home is where Mom taught me to bake. It's the smell of tractor exhaust and dust and weeds. It's true that you can't go home again.

Separating the Knot

I feel like the best thing I could have done was to separate myself from theknot.com. It was fun to have someplace to go where there were people planning their weddings at the same time that I was, but I really should have just quit cold turkey. The worst part was having all of those professional pictures shoved down my throat day after day, and knowing that not only did have have none of my own, I didn't have any pictures of that day that I liked. It's been a week since I have been there, and I already feel better about not having those professional pictures. I know that I will always regret it, but at least I feel like I am ready to move on.
I will still tell anyone who asks my opinion to not skimp on the photographer. Even if it means having to cut back in other places, it's worth it - I know that I would have rather had a photographer than a DJ, but how was I to know that at the time? Those memories are too important to not capture on film, and what I have to live with is looking at the snapshots that others took, and knowing that I didn't look as beautiful as I felt. I've said a few times since my wedding day that I am ugly when I am happy, and to look at any of those snapshots, you know I am right.

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those night when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;
The morning's looking bright;
And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn't even write;
And your husband wants to be a girl;

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came...

Wedding Amnesia

I have never made it a secret that I hated that we didn't have a photographer. I've also never made it a secret that my wedding was the happiest day of my life. I hate that I don't have any pictures to help me remember that day.

Yes, I know that I still got to marry Jim. That hasn't changed. I will never regret it. What I do regret is that I don't remember it, and I don't have anything to help me look back and remember that day. I would trade anything else from that day for one picture that I love, and for one memory.

I've heard of brides who write wedding recaps to help them remember what their wedding day was like, but I don't remember enough to even do that. This sucks. I wish there was a way to remember.

I hear Kathlyn say that she just wants a "normal" life, and it makes me cringe.

But I know what she means, because I want one too.

Jim left at 7:00 this morning, and he won't be home until after 11:30 tonight. I'll be home the whole time. Ironically, I scheduled Tuesdays off so that we could spend time together, but instead, we don't see each other at all.

Why am I doing this again?

I find myself wondering sometimes how we are going to survive. I'm not secure enough to ignore the things he doesn't say.

So sad, I almost can't speak

The ONE person in the whole world that I have pledged complete and total honesty with will soon be keeping secrets from me. I can't even find my voice to speak my opposition. How ironic, huh?

Just when you feel that you're safe and secure

That's when it happens

It changes.

Lonely

"Lonely" is a term that I've become familiar with, comfortable with, even. Still, it amazes me how painful the sting is whenever I let my guard down, even for a second. That's happened to me twice in the past week alone. It's like I left myself vulnerable by allowing the wall to come down the first time, and I can't quite get them back up fast enough or strong enough to protect me from the second round.

This feels yucky.

Lonelier than Ever

To have touched
To have come so close

To have kissed
To have held
and been held

Now I feel lonelier than ever before.

It's early morning
The sun comes out
Last night was shaking
And pretty loud
My cat is purring
And scratches my skin
So what is wrong
With another sin
The bitch is hungry
She needs to tell
So give her inches
And feed her well
More days to come
New places to go
I've got to leave
It's time for a show

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

My body is burning
It starts to shout
Desire is coming
It breaks out loud
Lust is in cages
Till storm breaks loose
Just have to make it
With someone I choose
The night is calling
I have to go
The wolf is hungry
He runs to show
He's licking his lips
He's ready to win
On the hunt tonight
For love at first sting

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

Irony....

Him: "I'm not very good with women, I've found out."
Me: "Really? Why not?"
To myself: "You've kept-hold of my heart for the last fifteen years."

Sex

During my date tonight, the topic of sex came up (no pun intended).

He mentioned that, in his conversations with women, he has been told multiple times that sex is purely physical for us, especially oral sex. This, of course bothered me to the point that I had to blog about it - if for no other reason than to get my own thoughts straight. There are two points to this that I need to address: 1. Is sex emotional or physical? 2. How does oral sex fit into the equation?

Part I: Physical Sex vs Emotional Sex
Sex is not about physical gratification, but about emotional gratification. This is proven in many, many examples, but I am only going to examine two.
I was fourteen when I met my first boyfriend. We dated for about two years before I met someone else. While I never had sex with this person, we developed an emotional bond so strong I felt it for years afterward. I hesitate to say that I loved him, because I have recently questioned whether or not I have ever truly been in love. If I have, it was with this person. I never told my boyfriend of the feelings that had developed, because I felt that what I had done was FAR worse than simply having sex. The fact that I developed an emotional bond with another was far more remorseful than a physical affair ever could have been.

The second example involves the breakup of my marriage. My husband had numerous physical affairs, this is known. Each time, I was able to forgive him, and move past it. The day he told me that he had developed feelings for another, I had to walk away. It wasn't him having sex with another that destroyed our marriage, but the fact that he fell in love with another.

The worst sex I have had came from the partner who was out of bed before I even had a chance to catch my breath, but the best sex I has was with the partner who held me when it was over.

Part II: Oral Sex
So how does oral sex fit into the equation? I'm not really sure it does, but since it's a topic that was discussed tonight, I might as well throw it in here. Receiving oral sex is fun. It feels good. Do I need it to get off? No. Does getting off equate to good sex? ABSOLUTELY NOT (see section 1). Performing oral sex: the mere act is a symbol of acceptance; it's my way of saying, "I accept you for who you are." If forced the choice of fucking a complete stranger and blowing them, I would choose fucking every time.

After reading over this several times, and making many, many edits over the last two hours, I now see that the common bond is the emotional part of it. If I were told that I would never have sex again, I would be okay with that. To tell me that I would never be held or kissed again, well, that is my own personal hell. I've already gone a very long time without being held, and it hurts more and more each day.

)o(
Marie

I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something started right now


.

Edited ever so slightly...

Hey baby, is that you?
Wow, your hair got so long
Yeah, yeah, I love it, I really do
'Norma Jean', ain't that the song
We'd sing in the car
Drivin' downtown, top down
Making the rounds
Checking out the bands on Doheeney Avenue

Yeah, life throws you curves
But you learned to swerve
Me I swung and I missed
And the next thing ya know
I'm reminiscin' dreaming old dreams
Wishing old wishes
Like you would be back again

I wake up and tear drops
They fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to and then
I head off to my job
Guess not much has changed

Punch the clock
Head for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed
Dream of you
That's what I'm doing these days

Someone told me after high school
You ran off to Vegas
You married a rodeo cowboy
Wow, that ain't the girl I knew
Me I've been a few places
Mostly here and there once or twice
Still sortin' out life, but I'm doing alright
Yeah, it's good to see you too

Hey girl, you're late
And those planes, they don't wait
But if you ever come back around
To this sleepy old town
Promise me you'll stop in
To see an old friend
And until then...

I wake up and tear drops
They fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to and then
I head off to my job
Guess not much has changed

Punch the clock
Head for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed
Dream of you
That's what I'm doing these

I wake up and tear drops
They fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to and then
I head off to my job
Guess not much has changed

Punch the clock
HEad for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed
Dream of you
That's what I'm doing these

I wake up and tear drops
They fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to and then

I wake up and tear drops
They fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to and then

I wake up and tear drops
They fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to and then

Christmas already? Damn!

The next two days are the ones that are always the loneliest for me, but so far I feel okay. It's not to say that I don't feel the stabs of lonely sometimes, but at least it's just quick pangs, not a constant ache as it has been in the past.

I think that I'm starting to make the shift from feeling "lonely" to just accepting that I'm "alone."

It's early in the day, but I'm feeling optimistic.

Confused again...

How can one dream take me from, "I think I'm starting to feel better," to "I feel like shit, and don't think I'm healing at all?"