I know you all want my first post in months to be something profound, but it's not. Deal with it.
I haven't had a meaningful relationship since I got divorced. Come to think of it, I wasn't having a meaningful relationship before I got divorced, but that's neither here nor there. I usually put Chris down to those of you who read this blog, because I'm afraid that if I admit out loud to any of you how much I loved him at one time, I'm going to hear, "I don't see how," or "Yeah, but he was such a jerk," and my favorite, "You're better off without him." All of these things are true, but it's also a truth that I DID love him at one time. And it's another truth that I sometimes feel guilty admitting to any of you that I did. It sucks that I feel like I have to defend to you the fact that I once loved my husband very much.
And I hate to admit that three years later, it still hurts to think about him sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. But it's no longer that I lost him. It's that I was rejected by someone I loved so much.
And I'm surprised that I allow it to affect my life so much now. I've had a couple chances, but have always been too afraid to pursue them. Not only that, but they've really been few and far between. You know, someone cute here, nice there, but I've always been afraid to chance it. Why? I'm afraid that I'll just get hurt again, and I don't want to put myself through that. I know that sounds like a cop-out, and it might be, but does someone out there have a rational explanation as to why I haven't been able to find someone since my divorce? I'm not ugly, and I have a decent personality, so what is it? Is it the fact that I have kids, or the fact that I live with my parents? Do I need to defend the fact that I live with my parents not only because they need the help, but so I can better myself?
I feel better now that I got that off my chest. If you're still with me after that babble, thanks.
