Christmas already? Damn!

The next two days are the ones that are always the loneliest for me, but so far I feel okay. It's not to say that I don't feel the stabs of lonely sometimes, but at least it's just quick pangs, not a constant ache as it has been in the past.

I think that I'm starting to make the shift from feeling "lonely" to just accepting that I'm "alone."

It's early in the day, but I'm feeling optimistic.

Confused again...

How can one dream take me from, "I think I'm starting to feel better," to "I feel like shit, and don't think I'm healing at all?"

The memory of that night is starting to take on a dreamlike quality. I no longer remember details easily, rather, I have to work to pull them out. My skin no longer remembers the feel of his touch, and I barely remember his face, yet I know I would recognize it in a sea of thousands.

Was it just a dream after all?

Healing

I don't stop breathing every time the phone rings.
My heart don't race when someone's at my door.
I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call.
I don't believe in magic anymore.
I just don't lie awake at night
Asking God to get you off my mind.

It's getting better all the time.

It's been two weeks

And for the rest of my life, I'll never understand how I went from this:

"Thanks for the test encouragement. Had a fantastic time with you as well! Didnt get much sleep last night.....wonder why. hehehe. Can't wait to see you Friday"

To this:

"I am not hinting at anything marie. I would just like to be alone."

In only two days.

I just don't get it. But I think I'm getting better. At least now I can read these messages without crying. Who knows? Maybe soon I'll be able to read them without hurting.

Again?

It's been a week now, and I still see him everywhere. This sucks.

Ross

John

Chris

Travis

Dave

Matt

..You're all just bricks in the wall..

I saw him today.


Wish I could have said something.

When there's nothing left to do, I write. I write like there's no tomorrow, no today, no yesterday. I write until it doesn't hurt anymore. Nothing lasts forever, neither does hurt. So I write. And I drink. And I cry. and the world continues to turn. And life goes on. Friendships are forged and ruined. Love is made and broken. WIth each season, my heart breaks a little more. Eventually it will shatter. And alone, I will find myself incapable of loving. What happens to people who can't love anymore? Do they wither and fade? Do they go crazy, trapped in the prision of their own mind? Does a broken heart still beat? No. Without love, a woman becomes like the snow - beautiful, sparkling, and untouchable. Ice water runs through my veins. My tears, icicles on my cheeks. My lips, the color of blueberries, something he wants to taste. He doesn't know that the blueberries are a frozen poison - for I truly have become an ice queen.

What hurts the most

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I (wanted) to do.

Maybe.....

Maybe a socialist economy wouldn't be so bad after all. It's defined as "An economic system in which the state determines production, distribution, and price decisions, and property is government owned."

Maybe not the part about property being government owned, but it wouldn't hurt my feelings any if they started making decisions about oil and it's production, distribution, and price decisions.

Not that I am going to run out and start a revolution. Great. Now I'll probably be listed as a socialist on some government "black list" and they'll assassinate me. If I die suddenly, you know where to look. ;-)

Blessings,
Marie

You know, I don't mean to make people mad at me. I think I have a habit of getting excited about things for other people, and that upsets them. I was simply excited because the electricity had been turned on at that house. Instead of the reply I expected, I heard, "what are you going to do, spy on me?" It's a day later, and that comment still stings at the pit of my stomach, and still brings tears to my eyes. I was just excited.

Let the damn roses die.

The Voice of Reason

Sometimes I just need someone to remind me that not everything I do/am doing is wrong. I can thank Witz for being that person.

If You're Going Through Hell

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragginig for so long
You're on your knees
You maight as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act

We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

No sacrifice at all.

Book Thingy pt 2

I did this one a couple of years ago, and it was fun, so I'm doing it again. God, how boring am I that I am repeating posts?

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog

From The 5th Horseman by James Patterson:

"I had my keys in hand, about to open the front door, when I heard Martha's distinctive bark coming from OUTSIDE the house!

It couldn't be, because it made no sense.

Was I crazy, or had Martha somehow slipped out the door when I left this morning for the funeral?"

Ever had a conversation with someone, and the conversation really made you think about where your life was going?

My Stripper Song

I come up with the weirdest crap sometimes:

Your Stripper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails "You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides, help me Iíve got no Soul to tell" When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

What Song Should You Strip To?